She Died By Suicide
Shame, guilt, grief, disbelief. These are just some of the feelings I associate with my moms terminal mental illness. She died by suicide. Why, why didn’t she love us enough to stay? How could she be so selfish? Didn’t she know how much she was loved and needed?
I had a relatively normal childhood. Two hard working, loving parents, doing all they could to support my older brother and me. Both of my parents worked full time to provide a good life for our family. My mom was the sweetest, kindest, most caring person, I have ever known. She used to kiss the center of each one of my palms and close it into a fist before she would let me out of the car for school. She said that if I ever needed her love throughout the day, I would know it was right there in the center of my hand where she left it. Those kisses were replenished every day until, I can only imagine, I would no longer let her.
It wasn’t until I was 19, and away at college that I learned that something wasn’t quite right. Like any teenager, I just thought, my mom is crazy, and went about my busy life. As time went on, her behavior got more and more bizarre. She would call multiple times in a row and ask the same questions over and over again, as if we hadn’t just hung up the phone 2 minutes prior. Often, she would call me and say the most absurd and horrible things and not recall it the next day.
For the next several years, she fluctuated between, what I perceived as having my mom back, and severe episodes where, in the most extreme cases she was unable to feed herself or lead a normal life. It was as if her brain had somehow become disconnected with her body. Later, I learned her psychiatrist was very much a pill pusher, which most likely exacerbated these severe swings in her personality and disposition.
I remember it like yesterday… My phone rang, it was my mom’s boss asking if I knew where she was. She hadn’t shown up for work, didn’t call, and wasn’t answering her phone. My heart sank immediately as I feared for the worst. I immediately called my Dad to see if he knew anything. He told me that she was fine when he left for work that morning, and that he would run home to check on her shortly. I knew, in that moment, that things were never going to be the same.
A few weeks prior my mom had been hospitalized for trying to take her own life. When I arrived at the hospital to see her, she looked me in the eyes and said “ I tried to slit my wrist but I was chicken shit, so I just took a bunch of pills instead.” That is a conversation that is burned into my memory forever. It was not her, not my beautiful, loving mother. It felt as if I was looking at her but talking to a complete stranger. The hospital kept her for an extra week under psychiatric hold until they felt it was safe for her go home. She had somehow convinced my dad that she didn’t need any further help, and that she would never try to do something like that again. He believed her.
The last thing I said to my mom was “If you don’t get help, we are going to be putting you in the ground.” as I pleaded for her to reconsider therapy.
I often get asked how my mom died and it is a question that makes me cringe. That question makes me feel as if I am standing in a spotlight, naked, with nowhere to hide. My heart clenches, and I feel nervous, anxious and ashamed. For the past 6 years, I have been too ashamed to share this story. I was embarrassed that this was a part of my life. I thought, if my own mom didn’t love me enough to stick around, no one else will either.
I miss her with every fiber of my being. You never realize how many times a day you hear the word Mom, until you no longer have one. I used to feel incredibly alone when I heard that word. Now, I focus on Saudade, the love that remains.
My mom instilled in me a lot of qualities. She taught me to be kind and honest. She taught me that being on time was crucial. She didn’t teach me to love my hips, but I know they came from her, so, I love them now. She taught me to value moments and memories, not material things. She taught me to say yes to adventures.
When someone asks about my mom, I still feel anxious. When my palms start to sweat, I remember, there it is, all the love, just inside my palms where she left it. Saudade.
I have learned that being open, and sharing difficulties can not only help me begin to heal but it can potentially help others who have experienced something similar. I am hopeful that in sharing this, it can help someone else either find help themselves for for their loved ones. There is help, you are not alone, you are important, and you matter!
May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Millions of people suffer from various mental illnesses. Suicide is one of the leading cause of death in America.
If You Know Someone in Crisis: Call the toll-free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (NSPL) at 1–800–273–TALK (8255), 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The service is available to everyone. The deaf and hard of hearing can contact the Lifeline via TTY at 1–800–799–4889. All calls are confidential. Contact social media outlets directly if you are concerned about a friend’s social media updates or dial 911 in an emergency. Learn more on the NSPL’s website. The Crisis Text Line is another resource available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Text “HOME” to 741741.
Cindel says
Absolutely breathtaking. I am so sorry for your pain, Rho. You have such a beautiful soul and I am thankful for your courage to share. Love you lady! ❤️❤️
Rheannon says
Thanks for taking the time to read it love! Miss you!
Ramon Gonzalez says
Sharing your story has brought you healing by exposing yourself allowing you to feel better and at the same time lending a helping hand to someone in need you are a very strong woman that we’ll go many more places along your journey of life!!
Rheannon says
Thanks so much Ramon!
Jana says
Such a beautiful way to honor your mother! My heart ached reading your words. Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable piece of your story, so beautiful!💗
Rheannon says
Thanks for taking the time to read it! She was a wonderful woman.
Kara Womack says
So beautiful, Rheannon! Thank you for sharing! Sending you love and hugs!
Rheannon says
Thanks Kara!! I feel the love!
Cat A says
I’m sitting in the HOU airport flying back to ATL. I realize that you getting a comment from me likely… no wait, absolutely….means nothing to you. But I feel obligated to tell you that it was so well written, instant tears and love for you. I’m sorry you’re on this earth without her. And you’re so lucky that she made you so strong & pretty.
Rheannon says
It means the world to me Cat! Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on this! Thanks so much for the kind words.
Safe Travels.
Jordan says
I’ve often thought of the pain and yearning that lived inside of you in the aftermath of such a soul wrenching loss. What I didn’t know was how much of that you kept inside. Thank you so much for putting this out there and sharing this so that others know that no matter what they are going through, and how alone or lost they feel, they are wanted and loved and cherished. Your mom is so much a part of you in all of the very best ways. You, my friend, have a beautiful soul. You are fun. You are silly. You are unique. You are kind. And you are so very loved. I am so proud to call you my friend and I cherish every single thing about you. I can’t wait to see what the future brings and I know that your mom would be so proud of the woman you are. Every time you think of her, think of all of the love that she put in your palms with those kisses and remember that she, and everyone else, love you so much.
Rheannon says
Your comment brought tears to my eyes! Thanks for being such an amazing friend. Your support and encouragement mean the absolute world to me.
Brittany Carroll says
Thank you for being brave enough to share this inconceivable difficult aspect of your life. I still remember the warm and kind energy of your mom from our Girl Scout days. I hope that you’ve found/find some healing from being this open and the positive ripple that openness will undoubtably have on discussing and addressing mental illness. Much love.
Rheannon says
Thanks so much Brittany, I love hearing how people remember her too, those memories are so precious. I know this is making a difference. I am honestly surprised at the number of people who have reached out and shared their own stories with me. Thank you for the kind words! Much love!
Brandi says
Wow Rheannon. I am so sorry to hear this. It breaks my heart. I do fill the pain. Love you
Rheannon says
Sending the love right back girl! xoxox